My Saga Part 2

So I decided that after having the whole dramatized experience with the docs who told me that the wouldn't perform a vbac on me, I felt that I needed to research more of my options and nor rely on the medical system to help me get what's best for me or my baby. After having spoken with the doula, I went online to lookup various websites that supported women in their desire for a vbac. I came across some incredible youtube videos that followed the personal journey of women like myself who had has two c-sections and then attempted a vbac, though mostly hbac's or home birth after c-section. They were so powerful that I really felt inspired to try and do everything in my power to see that I get that experience for myself.
So the first thing I did was call the midwife that the doula referenced me to. After I called her up, we spoke at length about all the many issues I'd been facing during my pregnancy and asked if she would be open to helping me. She was the most helpful person and invited me to call her at any point for answers to whatever questions I had. I made a point to say that I wasn't sure I wanted a home birth, but that I wasn't against the idea either. She respected that I was still on the fence and wanted me to be informed about whatever I chose for myself. It was great to hear someone so encouraging and positive about the possibility that I might actually have a natural birth and to not be afraid of it.
Anyhow, I went back and forth with this midwife and she gave me the name of a chiropractor about 45 minutes north of me who worked doing some very bizarre cranio adjustments called N.O.T. chiropractics. It is said to be effective in treating women who are infertile and also correcting dyslexia. She thought that if anyone could pinpoint why I haven't been able to labor at all, it would be him.
So I made an appointment with him just before Christmas. I called my insurance to make sure he was within network and they told me he was so long as he participated in the local PPO program. When I called and spoke with the secretary she told me they did, so I figured great, he is insured. Anyhow, I went over for my first appointment and he met with me for about 10 minutes. It was very short and sweet. He asked why I was there and I told him Ellen (midwife) referred me to help check my hormone levels, since that was what she suspected was the root of my problems. He did these strange tests on my arms and pushed down on my gall bladder, spleen, pancreas, just all over my abdominal area. He then put his hands in my mouth and started pressing hard on the roof of my mouth. It was over very quickly and afterwards he said that I had a sever hormone imbalance. Basically, he said that my sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system was very out of balance which as a result was not allowing my immune system to rest. Maybe that's why I have't had a cold in about two years, but have had a number of other odd issues? I asked him how it could be corrected and he said it would take my seeing him two times a week for 3 months for everything to go back to normal. My mouth nearly dropped as I had no idea it was that bad. He was not close at all to me and I had very little help to get baby sitters for the kids. It was not an ideal situation. I told him I would have to think about it, but did schedule another appointment for the following week.
The second visit I had to bring the kiddies. It's always annoying asking my m-i-l to come over so I just bundled them up and went. We arrived on time and went into the examination room. The kids were all over the place, but I had asked him ahead of time if it was ok to bring them and he said it was. Dominic esp liked going here since he likes to see new faces and be held by people. Anyhow, I had the kids crawling all over the place while he worked on me. It was rather funny actually. But I think the doc was not amused by their being there.He was very moody and had very little to say to me.
A couple days later I got a EOB from BCBS and it said that this chiro was not covered.and that I owed him $60. What the hell?! I thought. I was told that he was a participating PPO office. Well, I went back and forth with BC about how they told me he was in network and how now he wasn't. It was a royal pain dealing with them, because they said they had no record of them telling me that. Well, they did tell me that and I even called back to speak with a different staff member to check to see if he was, and she said YES! Two times I did this and they said yes, but whenever I called to question the amount they'd cover, they always said he was not covered. I hate insurance companies!
So after I discovered that this chiro was not going to be covered by my insurance, I realized that I couldn't go back to him. In a way I was relieved since I didn't like him as a person anyway, but felt that he was my only hope for correcting my hormones. Well, I called up Ellen and explained what was going on. She told me she had another chiro who could help me and who was actually closer to me than this last guy. That was a huge relief because I didn't know what I was going to do. She made it seem like if things weren't corrected, that my chances of vbacing were slim.
Aftet I got the name of this second chiro, I called them directly to ask about insurance coverage and they said they did accept BCBS PPO. Thank God! We then went ahead and made an appointment for later this month. In the meantime,. I had Ellen come over our house since I really needed to meet her and get to know her better. Tom and I had lot of questions we wanted answered if we were even going to consider having a homebirth. Amazingly, Tom supported the idea if it was what I wanted and if it was safe for the baby. At that point, I still wasn't sure so meeting with Ellen was really essential.
We had her over our place at about 7pm and she arrived a little after. She came in and was full of energy and life. The kids loved having her over and did what they could to get her attention. She received them very well and yet, made sure she put speaking to me first. She is older, around 55-60 and has been doing hb's for 25 years. That gave me more confidence in her for sure. We went through the litany of questions I had printed out and she answered them all well and with a lot of additional information to boot. It was great to have her there. She was so motherly and loving and yet firm which is good for people like me. I admire her love for giving women what's best for them and for believing in a woman's right to choose what she wants for her birth.
Tom and I sat with her for aver 3 hours and in the end felt very confident that she was someone we wanted to work with. For now, I have Maria here as she just came down from her nap and I need to change her stinky winky diaper. So for now, this will need to be continued...

The Last 6 Months Saga part 1

So, it's been sometime since I've updated this blog and I regret that I haven't as so much has occurred since last I wrote. For starters, two weeks after I had surgery I got pregnant, and am now 21 weeks along. The issues that arose due to the surgery seemed to have waned, but of course those due to pregnancy came with full force to replace the others. For starters, I got a very bizarre rash all over my abdomen. I wasn't sure if it was due to my surgery as I read that sometimes the glue they use to sew the scar can cause a reaction, however this rash was really bad and didn't sound like it was from that. It went away in time thank God and didn't come back. The itchy skin I had formerly experienced from last year did come back in October and I was suspicious if I didn't have bugs in the house or some other pest because I was going nuts itchy all the time. I'm beginning to wonder if I don't have sever fall allergies to whatever pollens are in the air and as a result, cause me to get these very weird skin reactions. No one else in the house has the itchiness that I get, so I am not inclined to believe that it's bug related. But then I thought that it might be from my candida. Given that I am pregnant, I could not stay on the candida diet that Dr. Ericson had me on, and he advised I not be on it as well actually, so I ate a lot more carbs to keep me going. My energy levels fells dramatically and I was more tired than I had been since my last pregnancy. The worst symptom I experienced being pregnant though, was the nausea and vomiting. This time around, I threw up not during the morning so much as in the late evening and night. It was as though a surge of energy came flush into my face and forced me to hurl everything that was within me. I'd never felt anything like it before- it came so unexpectedly and made it harder especially when I wasn't in a good location to vomit. Most of the time I was fine since I rarely left the house, but I was also sick longer this pregnancy than with the last two which I couldn't figure out. Like I said to my friend Julia, if this baby isn't a girl, than I have no hope of having an easy pregnancy. 
My mood was not bad all in all, though like always, my husband and I had our occasional bouts. My children kept me distracted and I loved being there to play and watch them grow, but mostly I just loved holding them and rocking them while I say songs. I know these days with two are slowly coming to a close, so I've wanted to make the most of this time with Maria and Dominic. People tell me three kids is the hardest, and right now, that's not something I can even fathom so I'm taking it one day at a time.
This pregnancy I returned to my former obgyn (the one who delivered Dominic) and stayed with them for about three months. I had an ultrasound performed at about 10 weeks to check the gestational age because the docs didn't believe me when I told them how old the baby was. Apparently I looked larger than normal, however I was using my iphone's iperiod app to track all temps, period, sexual interactions, etc. So I knew the exact day that I conceived from. It was the last week of August and I remember thinking that that was a very bad time to be having relations. In fact, we were looking at a little butterfly struggling to fly on our patio when he started making advances. Apparently, I brushed my hand across his bum in such a way that he took that to me I was interested-lol. The things men think amazes me!Anyway, they did an ultrasound on me and saw that I had a sack of blood next to the baby. They weren't sure what it was so I had to go back in a few weeks to have it done again. I was on my way to Las Vegas the week after so it was crucial I check to see if it was a hemmorage or just attachment bleeding. Fortunately there was nothing there the second scan so it was fine. It was so neat seeing my little baby looking so much bigger the second time around. I was giddy looking at him/her. Tom and I decided not to find out what the sex is because we really don't need to and it's more exciting not knowing I think.
So after I got back from Vegas, I started thinking more about my options to vbac since this is crucial for me and I want it more than anything. Having asked my obgyn what they thought (not very favorable), and considering the fact that the one doc I transferred there for was going on sabbatical, I thought it might be a good time to look into transferring practices to a more favorable vbac practice.
I called around to a few places and spoke with the secretary about my desire to vbac and asked if their doctors were favorable to people like myself. There was one office very nearby who said yes and hence I called over to Gynob to have all my records transferred. However, once I went to my first appointment and spoke with the doctor, expressing my desire to go naturally, he told me that I would only be allowed to wait until 39 weeks and then they would make me schedule a routine section. The only way he would support my going naturally past that, would be to have a high risk pregnancy specialist agree to it, but that would require my sitting down and pleading my case at another office in the city and I felt this was not cool. Why should I have to defend my desires when everything I had read up to that point showed that the risk for rupturing was so low and there was little reason for me to have to undergo all of this to get a natural labor.  Plus the nurse at this practice was so pushy and challenged me on most everything I told her I wanted. She was not anyone I wanted to work with and knew it was time to get out of there.
I didn't know where to turn at this point  and prayed about what to do. It came to mind that I should try contacting the Pittsburgh doulas to see what they recommended since I trusted them to work to defend my choice for a vbac. Beth and I spoke at length and she gave me numbers of people who had tried to vbac as well as references to docs in the area. The one name she gave me was one of a lay midwife who performed home births. I didn't think I'd have much to do with her, but as you'll soon discover, she actually has been more significant to me than one would imagine.

ER and Surgery

Sunday I was home and I spoke to my husband about this pain I had had in my lower right side that hadn't gone away since Tuesday. He said that it was orobably nothing and I debated with myself whether or not to listen to him or to actually do something about the problem. I am not one to automatically rush myself to ER, but today was different.
My mother is a nurse so I called her to ask what her thoughts were regarding this odd pain. She asked me if I had any pain urinating to which I said no. At this point I had no issues with my bladder or abdomen. Well, about 10 minutes after I got off the phone, I went to the bathroom and lo and behold I started to feel a lot of pressure and pain in that very area. Jumping onto the internet, I researched kidney problems and read that if one experiences any back and abdominal pain that there could be internal inflammation or an infection which could be life threatening.
My husband was not home at the time so I called him to tell him that I wanted to go to the ER to have these pains looked at. He agreed. So off we went to the ER in town. When I got there they did extensive testing on my back and abdominal areas. Everything was coming back normal except for the fact that I had a kidney stone and my appendix was enlarged, though they weren't sure if it was made large or if there was something causing it to become large. They wanted to keep my overnight to monitor my body's reaction and make sure I did not end up with appendicitis.
I spent the night with an elderly lady of 92. She was quiet the first night, thank God, but I had the nurses coming in and out for blood pressure tests, temp tests, blood tests, etc. That  morning I was not able to eat or drink anything since they didn't want me to have anything in my stomach should I need emergency surgery. I knew that I most likely wouldn't, but they didn't want to take any chances. So here I was starving with nothing to do but wait, while no one was telling me anything about what was going on.
I got so upset with the situation that I called the nurse and complained. I invoked the patient advocate thanks to my father to get the ball rolling and to finally get some answers and a drink at the very least! Finally., the docs came to me and apologized for the delay, but said that they were not sure what was wrong with me and wanted to keep my free of anything that would delay a last minute operation. OK, but it was 36 hours and I hadn't had a thing to eat and was getting nauseous so even though they kept asking me how I was feeling, I had to tell them I was feeling sick, not because of my appendix, but  because I was so hungry. Anyhow., it was a mess and I did end up eating with my husband that night without the docs permission -hehe. No I didn't tell them either but it didn't matter since they were just being careful that my body would handle liquids first, but I couldn't convince them that I really was fine to eat, so I just ate a great big cheese burger and cheese fries :-) It was so nice.
I stayed another night as they wanted to monitor me yet another night and see how I was in the morning. They said I would likely be able to go home that next day if the pain was manageable. Well, the next morning, Tuesday, the pain was the same and they said that they would look at my white blood count to see if there was an infection forming. After hours of waiting, the tests showed I wasn't, but still the surgeon did not feel comfortable with me going home not knowing what was wrong so she advised having laproscopic surgery to see what was going on inside me and to take out my appendix just to be on the safe side.
Here I was all ready to pack my bags and go home, only to now to be told that I was needing surgery. This was not what I wanted to hear, but I thought it might be a good idea since an appendix is not something you need to keep to be healthy.
I texted my priest friends and family friends and asked for prayers. Thank God for friends who pray. They give me so much peace of mind just knowing they are asking God to watch over me, because it is not easy to do that for myself when I am so tired and worried and pretty out of it. I also had a recently ordained friend come by and give me the sacrament of the sick. He came in the nick of time, as they were getting the stretcher ready for me when I finished anointing my head and hands. It was something I really needed not knowing what was going to happen to me. This was the first time I would be getting  general anesthesia and had a hunch that I would not respond well to it.
Also, Tom had a nice surprise for me and came out with the kids and we all went to Schenley Park for the evening. I hadn't seen my darling since Sunday and it seemed like forever. They had a great time running around and playing on the swings and going about with the other kids in the park. It was so nice running with them. In fact, this was the park that my husband and I had one of our first dates at. We carved out names in a tree nearby. While we didn't get to go see it, it was very nostalgic and I had a wonderful time with them.
So Wed morning I went in for surgery and they put the mask over my face and I started counting from 100 backwards. I think I got to 98 and was out cold.
The next thing I remember I was back in the recovery room and everything was spinning. Apparently the anesthesia does like like me and I get bad reactions from it. The dizziness was hard, but I didn't get sick from it. After I went back to my room to rest, I took a couple sips of water and that set me off.. I started throwing up immediately and whatever I took in came up. To make matters worse, I did not have any of my usual nurses who I like, but got a new nurse who spoke Indian and I couldn't understand her. It was not ideal.
This morning, Thursday, I am doing ok. Sleep was broken, but that's the way it's been since I've been here so I'm sort of used it by now. I've been given clearance to be discharged today and that is GREAT! I can't wait to get out of here and be back in my own bed with my own clothes and darling children. My mother comes tomorrow to help me and to celebrate my birthday this Sunday.. She will stay through next Tuesday and then my dad will be here to help out. The doctors don't want me to lift or drive for two weeks, which is going to make life challenging, but there is nothing I can do about it. I told my husband, it's like having a baby without a baby all over again.
So that's the story of this past week. Never did I expect I'd be having surgery last Sunday. The gospel passage was about Christ walking on water and St. Peter coming out of the boat to be with Him. It was a mircale that he too was able to walk on water so long as he kept his eyes on Christ, but once they lost their site of Him, he started to sink. I think that's the message I've needed to keep in mind throughout this whole saga. I'll be able to get through this so long as I keep my focus on Him. Thank you Lord for all your love and help throughout all of this. I've seen some incredibly horrible things in here, and thank You for sparing me from those crosses which I do not have to carry..
Well, time to sign off. I'll hopefully be getting better from here on out- I'll be keeping up with my symptoms so that I can remember it all once I go for my followup in two weeks. 

Don't know what to think anymore

Alright, so I've been on this super strict diet after having talked to Dr. Erickson whch has taken away most everything but meats, veggies, eggs, almond /coconut milk and green apples. I've been taking an adrenal chelation supplement as well as a candida super yeast defenders pill two, twice daily. He also advised I drink this oxygenated liquid with oil of oregano that that would help kick the fungus in my gut. Well, having followed this plan since last Monday and today I am contemplating going to the ER.

Last Tuesday I started to get this pain in my middle lower back on the right side of my spine. It hurt whenever I moved and wasn't going away so I called Dr. E and told him about it. He said it was a radiating pain from my adrenals and was a good sign. Well, the pain has only gotten worse and it's starting to really concern me since I fear it might be my kidneys. The pain is nowhere near where my adrenals are located and it is near my kidneys so with this super high protein diet and no fiber or natural nourishment I'm wondering if my body isn't starting to create more serious problems due to these strange regimens I've been following. My husband is so sick of all this and so am I. His frustration has been coming out toward me, which hasn't helped at all, but he is very skeptical of anything "natural" or alternative and so am I. Who in the world do I trust with all of this? I just don't know.

I have decided to not take anything today and give my body a break from everything it's been dealing with. My heart is so discouraged. I go back to Dr. E tomorrow and will tell him everything and ask him to do a thorough blood workup on me and also to check my kidneys.

Also, I ordered a saliva test to check out my adrenals glands and see what exactly is going on there. Tingling in my feet continues. Waiting to see if I'm pregnant this week as well.
   

So my instincts were right

OK it's been some time since I've been on here and I have a lot to tell. First, I took myself off of the PSerine as it was causing me to have really bad headaches and I couldn't function with it. After I weaned myself from it (well, cold turkey really) I found that the headaches lessened more than before, however they were not completely gone. So then I started taking myself off of everything and seeing what might be causing it through a process of elimination/reintroduction. I was only able to go so far with this when I had a friend tell me that if my thyroid was normal and it was getting more thyroid than it needed, that that might cause problems. It seemed there was something to what she was saying since Dr. P really didn't have a lot of proof to say that I needed 75mcg's of thyroid anyway. What I did was go back on everything- Vit. C, E, Omega-3, D3, multi, B complex, Calcium/Magnesium, and my usual anti-fungal medicine too- but without talking the thyroid. My goodness did things improve! THe headaches nearly vanished and I had no more problems save for the times when I was really stressed or tired, which is normal.
The other thing that happened was I started getting this pain going down my legs. It felt as though someone was tying a knot around my leg so the blood couldn't flow well. There was also this pinching feeling going down both legs and I have no idea what caused this. I called my NUCCA doc and he said to do some lower back pain exercises. I didn't actually do any and it went away on it's own, thankfully.
Also I should mention that on occasion I did eat some wheats and very few sugars like fruit and some cake at a birthday party. It was minor, but I felt I needed to live a little. But then I got a phone call from a friend who never calls me (she also has candida) and was telling me about this doctor that she found about an hour away who took insurance and who was able to help her with her candida. I couldn't believe it and was ready to make an appointment asap. I called then next day and did so and was there this morning to meet this aforementioned doctor.
In the last week or so I had been feeling lousy and very tired esp in the morning, which was not normal for me, but when I felt like I had no energy all day I knew something was up and wanted to talk to this guy about it. Also, I started getting dizzy again. Out of nowhere my head would just start getting off balance and I thought, "No, this is not going to happen again!" But anyway, about this doctor's visit, 
This Dr. E a very nice guy and took his time with me, trying to understand my history and the whole issue surrounding my health. He liked what I had been doing, though he felt that I was wise in opting to take myself off of the Phosphotidyl Serine and thryroid because, low and behold, my adrenals, from what he found, were not hyper active, but underactive. Thank you Dr. E! He actually tested my adrenals by taking my blood pressure while I was sitting and then as I stood up and found that my bp dropped 16 points when I stood up indicating some serious adrenal fatigue. The long and short of it is that he's seriously cutting out all sugars, dairy, wheat or flours of most any kind, beans, starches, etc and wants me to do this for about a year! Oh my goodness, I pray that I can. It's not going to be easy, esp with my husband, but I have to. What else can I do to kick this thing?
He advised that I purchase some of their self-concocted supplements for my adrenals, candida, and overall health. The other thing I am taking now is Oil of Oregano as that is supposed to kill fungus in one's system. At this point, I don't care what it tastes like, I'll take anything I need to.
It's been hard trying to think of things to eat and I need to go on-line to find recipes that are candida safe- god luck! No, there are some but they sound horrible. I think I'm going to have to make two meals a day, one for me and one for my hubby, I can't expect him to eat this way. It's healthy, but horrible. There are so few options and I don't want him to be miserable because he's eating this way. It's going to be a lot of work, but God knows this and I pray will help me get through the labor that this is going to demand of me.
On a side note, I am not sure if I'm pregnant.
Well, that's all the news for now, but I hope to keep this more current than I have been. It's just that I get so side-tracked and then get tired and forget all about this. But it doesn't exactly matter since no one ready it-lol. Oh well, it's kind of nice to know I have some privacy on the internet, so poo on you! ;-)

The New Drug

Since my adrenal glands have been out of wack, I've been taking this supplement called Phosphatidyl Serine. It's some kind of drug that apparently helps people with Alzheimer's Disease as well as ADHD, but no studies have proven that's true. What studies have proven, thankfully, is that it does work to lower high cortisol levels and that's good for me :-) I started taking it two days ago and am using NOW's product. So far it has given me severe headaches and occasional gas, but that might also be due to the fact that I have not been eating anything but eggs, meat, cheese, veggies and fruit. Yes, I've cut nearly all carbs and sugars out of my diet. How long I need to do this I have no idea since my stupid nat doc, Dr. P, won't call me back and his secretary will only ask so many questions for me. It's absurd that he draws my blood, gets the results and then doesn't give me an explanation of what the results state! It's infuriating to no end, but I can't do anything about it.
I'm on my way to Indiana this weekend to see good friends and am hoping that spending some time out will help boost my morale and get my adrenals to calm down. Overall, I feel better than I did the last time I wrote on here. My fears have been assuaged since I started the PS  since I know I'm taking something that will help. Again, I have no idea how long I need to be on this stuff before it works, but in 8 weeks I'm supposed to see Dr. P, drop another $180  for him to draw my blood again get the results and then tell me nothing. It's a pain in the rear end, and I hate it, but that's what I have to face right now. I'm trying to accept things more and not be so stressed over things I can't change. It's a work in progress for sure, but hey, that's where it all begins with one step at a time.
Should also mention that I'm on 75 mcg's of thyroid and some other anti-fungal med called Ketoconazole. My lower back pain has been with me for days, however since I've started the strict diet, I have noticed it start to wain. Instead, I'm getting neck pain so back to Dr. Gobbie tomorrow! Nothing's ever easy with me I'll tell ya-lol.

Blood Results

I got a call from my doc's receptionist and she told me that I have elevated cortisol levels and need to get on more thyroid as well as something called Phosphatidylserine. This drug is suppose to help lower the cortisol to that it doesn't reek havoc on my immune system, raise my blood pressure, make me gain weight, essentially do a ton of crap to my body. I asked this lady if I should get off the Imunovir since that was what Dr. Pierotti thought did this me (thanks a lot!) and I have yet to hear back from him. In the meantime, I've been reading a lot of websites that talk about this issue and there are conflicting opinions about what you're suppose to eat with this condition. Some say stay away from all fatty meats and others say they're ok. I put off eating for as long as I could (bad idea) hoping to get a call from Dr. P yet my body was starting to get shaky so I ate some Tinkyada macaroni and meatballs. My body needs something for fuel and feel like this is fine for now.
You know, I am so pissed off that this Imunovir knocked my adrenals like this. I feel like this doctor is playing with my body, assuming that it won't do anything odd, and yet when it does, he just tells his secretary to call me with what I need to buy next to take care of that. That is not enough for me!! I'm so sick of being someone's guinea pig and want something that will help me, not hurt me!! Why God, why is this happening? I just want to cry and yet if I do, I feel like my adrenals are going to get worse. What the hell, if I'm going to die there is nothing that I can do to stop it, but dear God I am scared. I am tired of living like this and not spending the time I have with my children. I feel like I'm being robbed of my motherhood by these ailments and have no one to fix the problem.
On a side note, I spoke to my father today. It's always hard to talk to him. We are growing apart more and more as I get older. He never wants to talk about anything important, just a lot of BS. He was never a devout person and probably always thought I was a fanatic for being a fervent Catholic- I know he thought my mother was. But given the fact that my father is so superficial and can't stand to discuss anything of depth or  of a more serious matter with me, I feel like saying, "Dad, I really don't want to talk to you unless you are ready to talk about things that matter. I am fed up with hearing about the weather or Jeff and Amy or whatever mindless drivel you want to talk about just to fill the time. How about we actually get to the heart of what's been going on in my life and in my heart for years now? How about you hear the pain that I've been suffering not having a father to talk to or a father that I feel I can open my heart to and who will love me and encourage me? How about you hear the fact that I feel as though I'm dying and have so little time left with my children!"
Do I have issues, yes, but at least I'm trying to get them out. Maybe the problem with me is that I've been holding in so much for too long. I've gone to counselors but they did little to help me. What I need is a friend to talk to who can show me they care. That does more for me than any counselor could ever do, because they are only there to listen and then take my money. Why the hell should I do that anymore? I think the only way I would ever go to a doc is if I knew they were a congitive behavioral psychiatrist. And the good ones are hard to come by around here. I only want one who is Catholic since the story of my life would make no sense to anyone save a Catholic. If it is in God's plan for me to find such a support who will actually help me than I would be open to going, but that day has yet to come. For now, I have to make the best of this difficult situation and pray that I can stay afloat with God's grace. Please God, heal me!