More on Lyme and Reflctions on Death

I spoke to my rhuemy on Monday and he said that I do not have Lyme disease since all the western blot tests were negative so I can only assume that he is right and that I indeed don't have Lyme. There are a number of blogs out there that talk about the possibility of one having Lyme despite the tests coming back negative (aka false negative tests) but I don't know if I should spend my time delving into that world of doubting what the blood tests reveal since there is not one doctor near me that I can find who will do more for me than what this current doctor already has. So bottom line, I think it's time I looked somewhere else for answers. Well, I should mention that this guy diagnosed me as having fibromyalgia so in a way I do have a place to go for more information, sort of. The problem is is that fm can have a myriad of symptoms that are different for each person and, in my opinion, is something that they diagnose you as having when they don't know what to tell you anymore when all your blood tests come back normal and yet you still feel like crud. 

I'm still deliberating over whether or not I should see this alternative medicine doctor who can test me for food sensitivities and all that, but again I have to fork over $300 and I cringe at the thought of that when I could use that money for so many other things like my home, husband and children. I'm the kind of person who likes to keep as much money in savings as possible and hates to spend more than something is really worth and I just wonder if this man is really worth what he's charging. There is only one other person I know who has seen him and spoke highly of him and would love to get a second opinion somewhere, but can't seem to find one so for now I continue to hold off until I say "enough!" and have nowhere else to turn. 

More recently my health has been alright. The only issues that I can speak of are still the tingly hands and feet and headaches that come on strong when I eat something I know I shouldn't, or when I go from standing to sitting or vise versa. The latter would mean I had blood pressure issues, but maybe not. 

Anyway enough of all that. I want to take a few moments to talk about something really close to my heart, my mom. See like I said in my last post, my mother was recently diagnosed with a malignant form of bone cancer called Myelofibrosis. I researched it a bit and it doesn't sound good at all. The symptoms are not good and it can lead to her having to undergo chemo. But the worst part of all of this, is that I am 5 hours away from her and there is no one really close to her in my family who can be there for her and support her during this time. My parents are divorced so my dad wouldn't go down to help her most likely, though if she was in an emergency situation he likely would, but still, she needs someone during the day to day struggles and battles that go on in your mind about what's going to happen and what you're going to do with you life with cancer, and how much longer you have to live. See, though I don't have cancer, those same kind of thoughts are what went through my mind a year and a half ago and I know how scary it is to be thinking these things. It breaks my heart to think of her suffering and worse yet, there is very little I can do to help her save praying for her. So for those of you out there who believe in prayer, please say a prayer for her. Her name is Margaret. 

This past week I had my mother here with me and we had a very nice time together, one of the best in a while actually. We just hung out and took care of my kids, went out to a local flower garden, watched a horrible movie called "Super 8", and opened  up our hearts to each other about different things. She is someone I have always turned to when I have been down; even when I didn't want to talk to her about something bothering me, she could always sense that I was hiding something and would pry's at me to get me to get it "all out" so I could feel better. I hope that when my kids are older I will be able to read them as well as she reads me. It's amazing how she does it! So yes, she and I had a great visit and it was so sad to see her go. She didn't want to go, but she was tired and I knew she needed to sleep in her own bed again- my hide-abed is nice, but not so good on the back after a couple days.  

I was a little emotional this week thinking about her and thinking about what life will be like not having her here one day. She and I have not always seen eye to eye and have rubbed each other wrong many times in the past, but still, I love her and don't know where I'd be without her.  My heart aches just thinking of us not being able to go back to Jersey to see her and her dog, Millie, and walk to the river or watch Turner Classic movies with her, or Fox news or her silly Westerns. We just take so much of what we have for granted and I pray to God, that for however much time we have left with her, that all of it is spent doing and saying all that we want or need to so that when that day comes when we have to say goodbye, we will do so knowing that she knows she is loved and that she can be at peace with us and with God. 

Death is such a scary thing if you don't see it with spiritual eyes and that's what I'm trying to do to help myself and my mom get through this time. We have to believe that God knows the day and the hour we are to return to Him. We have to believe that if we love Him and serve Him in this life that He will take care of us in the next. We have to believe that there is more to everything we are suffering than simply humoring a malicious god. No, that was not the Father Jesus spoke to us about. God is Charity and He will protect His own. It's just so hard to leave those we love behind to finally be with the God who made us. Because though we have faith and love for Him, we are afraid of Him and worry if He will be happy with us when we are judged. All we can do is trust and do the best we can to follow His teachings. The rest is up to Him and so I say, "Into your hands O Lord, I commend my (and those whom I love) spirit." Please God may we all be united in heaven together some day.