Killer Kombucha

Dear Lord, it's been awhile. I don't have time to give much of a review of my last six years, so I will start in with what's happening to me now. I am now a homeschool mother of five children who has a whole lot of health issues that never cease to oppress.

But quickly, since 2005 I've been seeing a good hormone specialist who's been working to keep me on Naturthroid 35 mg, Adrenal Support from Zymogen, along with Iodine (been deficient for likely 10 years now), iron, probiotics, D, B complex, and I think that's it. While my labs seem to be coming back for the most part normal, I still can't go too long without having joint pain, severe hair loss, headaches, itchy skin, food sensitivities, numbness in my hands and feet, you know, the usual. But the real kicker is that I picked up this book called "Brain Maker" and devoured it since I truly believe much of my problem does lie in my gut. In it Mr. Perlmutter defends the use of fermented foods like kimchi and kombucha so I thought "Hey, I know how to make kombucha. Let's get back to brewing!" And with that I ordered a SCOBY on Amazon and had my tea brewing within a few days.

Well, let me tell you something, I waited about 13 days before consuming any of my elixir and I wish I'd thrown it out before ever taking a sip. It tasted crappy, I guess it's supposed to, but went ahead and drank about 12 ounces over the course of a few days. The next thing I knew, I started feeling this intense pain in my stomach, like I had someone punch me deep in my gut.  It was awful and didn't go away for days! I started getting concerned so I researched more into side effects of kombucha. What I discovered was that it can actually cause things like candida and gastrointestinal issues and potentially even death! What the heck! So for all this talk about drinking these healthy fermented concoctions, they actually did more damage to me than good.  And to make matters worse, I gave some to my children and one has since been complaining of issues like stomach pain and headaches since.

I don't understand how something like this can be so grossly advertised while it has such potential for damage. See the other thing I read was that the drink, while filled with some good bacteria, also contains yeast, and other bad bacteria that can wreak havoc on your immune system. Why would people encourage the use of such a drink when the risk can be so detrimental? I simply can't understand it. My biggest concern is that this has now set me back tremendously on my path to better health. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do now that I can't eat a piece of spinach without getting hives all over me, have hair literally falling out without my even touching a strand, and feel tingliness in my extremities. I thought I was getting better, albeit slowly, but still, on the path to restoring my health. Now it's like I've fallen down the shoot and have landed back on square one. Ugh! I could scream.

Oh yes, and another thing. I read that l-glutamine is good for leaky gut repair, which I highly suspect I have.  Given I had some in my cupboard from when I had my last c-section nearly two years back, I thought I'd try some to see if it would help with my stomach pain. Well, that too caused such a reaction in my muscles that I couldn't move without great discomfort. So please, just because you read something online that looks credible, be cautious and tread carefully before assuming you can do what these people recommend. I have been blindly experimenting with all kinds of crap and pray that I will feel somewhat better soon. It's just now the beginning of another homeschool year and I think I'm going to lose my mind if my health fails me again.

On positive note, I've purchased an infrared sauna from Sunlighten to attempt to detox from whatever is in me that's causing such havoc, but those details will have be relayed at another time. In the meantime, I use it locally when I can. It's been the only relief I've found thus far and thank God it's there to help me in a pinch. Alright, with that I'm going to sign off. I'll try and keep journaling what's happening to my body just in case something horrific occurs. Please God it won't, but should it, my family will have a record of my symptoms and supplements. Ciao.

Something's DIfferent

Like my blog title states, something is different and I'm not exactly sure why save for the fact that God has intervened. As I mentioned last week, I received the anointing of the sick on Sunday and, though I'd been told that it can help people, I wasn't expecting anything to really change. Well, I should have had more faith in God's endless mercy! These past seven days have been better than they've been in a long time. Many of the weird symptoms seem to be gone. The tingling hands and feet sensation is even dissipating, which I never thought would go away.
I did get to this alternative doctor last Monday and brought my blood work with me from Dr. J (my Lyme doctor who I'll now be seeing Nov 12th! one month sooner than anticipated :) and she said she didn't think I needed to be put on any bio-identical thyroid since my thyroid level wasn't that low, and didn't want to give me thyroid when I didn't need it because having too much of it can cause its own side effects. She is suspicious I might be having a reverse T3 problem, which doesn't show up on routine blood tests, and advised I get blood drawn in three weeks to see if my thyroid count gets better or worse. For now she simply said to eat more egg yolks (high in vitamin A) and to put iodine on my wrists overnight so my body could absorb it in small doses to help support my thyroid. We ended our session with her giving me an injection of vitamin B complex to increase my energy and support my adrenals in case they were being taxed. Interestingly, she's suspicious that my issues could be related to the fact that I'm breastfeeding, but couldn't say for sure, and was willing to admit she couldn't give me a diagnosis for what was causing my problems, but wanted to keep an eye on me. She suspects much of what I'm experiencing is oddly related somehow, but my ailments are not her specialization and she gave me the best advice she could offer given her experience. And for that, I greatly respect her.
I can't tell you how much I loved this doctor. She was the first doctor I've met who agreed with so much of what I believe regarding treating illnesses (i.e. through lifestyle changes, using natural methods of supplementation over drugs, not blindly prescribing a medication for a problem, admitting when you don't know the cause of a problem, etc). It was a breath of fresh air meeting her and I would love to go to her more often since, get this, she takes insurance! Unfortunately, she isn't close and it took me nearly an hour to get to her office and even longer to get home since I have to drive through the city to get there. AnyhowI'm happy to know where to find her when I need her.
But it's hard to believe that so many of my symptoms have gone away merely because she gave me a shot of B vitamins. It's not something I'm too familiar with, so maybe that's all I needed, but I've got to say, it's been so nice to feel well again! God be praised! I'm almost afraid to think that I am well since I've had my hopes raised in the past only to have them falsified, but perhaps this time things will be different :)
I am currently reading a book by Suzanne Somers called "Bombshell" and I recommend you get yourself a copy. She's collected information obtained through interviews she performed from some of the best alternative, anti-aging doctors from around the country and compiled them into this addictive little liber. It's funny because some of the secrets they reveal about taking various supplements for this or that ailment or for adrenal, or thyroid, or brain support, I've already taken. Some of these include Pregnenelone and DHEA. The one that I had not heard of is CoQ10. The thing I don't know though is if I should get back to taking them once I'm not breastfeeding. I'll probably wait and see how I'm feeling at that time and then decide. Anyhow, I'm not quite done with the book, but she is helping many people get well from the myriad of problems they're facing that traditional docs don't have answers for. Sadly these alternative docs don't get the respect that the former docs get since what they do is often not recommended by the FDA because well, they don't prescribe drugs left and right, but rather treat people without the aid of pharmaceutical drugs. Heaven forbid pharmaceutical companies don't get a kick back from every doctor!
The one caveat I offer to the  book is that Suzanne is obsessed with living really long and trying to get humans to live over 100 and still look "young". I think it's all a little extreme because well, this isn't our eternal home and in some ways, the faster we get off this messed up planet the better. Not that I'm looking for that to happen just yet, but I don't agree that one should desire to live and look 20 when you're 90 because there is something in the world of physics called entropy, which means that all things begin to break down and decay over time and given we are a part of matter, so too will we age and decay and break down over time. I had to laugh when she spoke about Jack Lalanne dying so young at age 96 and complained how he should have lived longer. At that point I had to skim the page since I think she's forgetting why we're on this planet in the first place. It isn't to live forever. I don't want to discourage anyone from reading her book since it is full of some rather insightful information and could help those of you out there looking for more answers, however, I felt the need to give that warning.
Other than that, I had a lovely week of spending time with my children and getting out and playing in the beautiful autumnal leaves as much as I can since we're having a beautiful fall out our way and am trying to soak in as much Vitamin D as I can. Totally hate dealing with SAD!
Well, I need to get off this thing; it's getting late and I've been pulling late nights nearly every night so I should try and rest. They say the best way to restore hormone imbalance is through sleeping :) So off I go. Good night everyone and may God bless you!

Facing Fear

My husband is out for the night so I have a moment to write, with baby in arm mind you, but will try to get as much out before I get tired of typing with one hand. These last two days have been a little scary for me. The tingling in my hands and feet have now turned into a numbing feeling that has extended to my mouth and jaw. It's the strangest feeling and rather disturbing actually. This dizziness is also becoming stronger and though I'm trying so hard to distract myself from the odd sensations I'm experiencing, it's hard to ignore. I have an appointment on Monday to see an alternative doc who works with anti-aging herbs and supplements and will hopefully check my hormones to see about getting them back in order since I assume they're imbalanced.

We had a busy weekend though which helped my morale and thank God for that. My husband's co- worker had an Octoberfest party that we all attended last night and I had a lovely time hanging out with his guests. Very nice people and yes, they were Italian which is always a plus for me :) Anyway, last night I had a cathartic moment and needed to cry. There are moments when the weariness of always feeling unwell is just too much to bear and yesterday was one of them. It could be exacerbated by the fact that my prayer life is struggling right now because whenever I have a heart to heart with God, and by that I mean getting into real mental prayer and opening up my soul to that first mansion that St. Theresa speaks of, I find I am scared to go to Him, and I am trying desperately to discern why. It's as though the thought that God loves me pushes me away from Him since I don't know how to really believe it with all the things I've had to deal with in my life. I know everyone has their crosses, and that I am just one of the millions of people who has to carry theirs, but the desire for closeness with the One who is allowing them to weigh upon me is difficult. I am afraid of His love when it demands I suffer so much. Perhaps that is wrong of me to say, but it's the truth. Believe me, I want to love God, and I want to get to heaven, but I don't know how it's possible to achieve being so weak and so intimidated by what it requires of me. If I have to live with this mysterious illness for the rest of my life, it will be hard and I pray that God will strengthen me to follow His will, but some days I don't know how I will. It gets depressing having one thing happen after another. I'm only 32 and feel like I'm 60. The brain fog is getting worse and I fight to remember things I was talking about just seconds ago. It bothers me terribly.

Today at our local church they were offering the sacrament of the anointing of the sick. I felt driven to attend since I figured I am sick, despite the fact that I don't know what it is that's making me feel this way, and need all the help I can get, whether physical or spiritual. It was a very moving experience and very humbling as well. I am not one who likes to stand out in a crowd, but today it was hard for me not to. This spirit of sadness and fear and longing for God's help welled up from deep inside me, causing me to weep so intensely thus making it hard for me to appear discreet. I just wanted to bury my head in the floor and disappear, however this time I couldn't. Some dear woman saw me upset and came over to tell me she saw me praying intently and wanted me to know she was praying for me and for whatever was troubling me. I was so touched and wanted to take her and hold her close to me, but that would have been weird for her so I didn't. But it meant more than she will ever know, knowing that she cared enough to pray for me and to tell me too. God bless that sweet woman.

A few minutes passed and the priest called everyone up to the altar and had us offer some intercessory prayers and then we lined up as though we were receiving communion and he anointed our forehead and palms. It was a very simple thing, yet I felt so comforted by it and pray that should I not be healed physically, that I at least be given the strength to walk with Him in peace and resignation, knowing that  whatever happens to me, whatever bothersome things I have to endure, that He is with me helping me every day to face it with Him.

By no coincidence, later this afternoon, my husband and I attended our local symphony's production of Mozart's "Requiem Mass". It was so beautifully dark and full of passion and haunting melodies. This music reached somewhere so deep within my soul it was almost a supernatural experience for me-- again another reason why I cry at concerts, or anywhere I hear exceptionally beautiful music. I try to surround myself with these ethereal arrangements of music to remind me, and to instruct my children, that in all things beautiful we can find a little piece of God. I want them to always remember me as a mother who gave them beauty in all it's many varieties. For without beauty, we are cold and sterile and bereft of the joys of the heart and that is not what I want for my children.

Anyhow, getting back to the concert, I found it interesting that the program commented on Death and how we have become a society afraid of Death, a reality that Mozart went so far as to call his "best friend". He said that he'd became so familiar with Death that he no longer feared her, but welcomed her whenever she would come for him. How far we are from this state of mind! I confess that I myself am a victim of fear of Death- why I started getting anxiety attacks at age 9 when my hamster died. I know she is not to be feared if we are in friendship with God, but I think therein lies the problem; so many of us are not working on building that friendship. We get lost in the routine of life and lose sight of the goal, i.e. eternal happiness and union with our Creator.

From my perspective, I think I would not fear Death so much if, as I told God today, I didn't have children. See, I worry about them, and I wonder if I will be there for them when they are older, like my mother has been for me. But like I've been told before, everything is a gift and nothing is ours, not even our children. God can take care of them without me, and though this is a hard thing to consider, it's true. Many people have lost their parents at young ages. Mozart, and even the conductor of this orchestra, lost their mothers at a  young age. While it's not ideal, it's something I have to be open to. All of us with children have to be open to that. Eternity is our home and we have to remember that. Why do we cling so much to this fallen world? The unknown is scary for us, and I for one am someone who struggles doing anything unfamiliar or unplanned. But in my heart I know there is going to be a journey I will have to take to a place I do not know and where no one can go with me. It's a frightening thought, but I have to make an act of faith and hope in the God that I, in my mind, know loves me, but who I fight to let get closer to me. Why must love be so painful for me to embrace? To want and not want. To desire and yet be afraid to get too close. Lord, break these fears that hold me back from You! Fix this broken vessel you've created. Help me be what you desire and to walk blindly in the shadow of Your cross.

Thanks for listening to me emote this evening. It's been a difficult couple days. Blessings upon you all. Good night.

Lyme to me

So I've been trying to get an idea as to whether or not I have Lyme or if I'm dealing with anothe viral infection that's mirroring Lyme and it's driving me crazy. Because now I've discovered that I can give Lyme to my baby through breast feeding and that's pretty darn serious. Needless to say the drama continues.

See these past ten days I've continued to have a lot of weird things. This time, however, I got different symptoms which include: tooth pains; severe neck, shoulder and back pains; some slight light headedness if I tilt my head; and a new rash on my foot.  I'm continuing to stay on the paleo diet though it doesn't seem to be doing anything to improve my symptoms. I still get headaches and while I have cheated on occasion it hasn't really made that much of a difference from when I've been off it from when I've been on it. I do notice that I get abdominal pains after I eat glutenous foods, so I'm trying to avoid those at all costs, but as a substitute I've been eating corn chips and potato chips from time to time just to save me from a crash moment. But going back to the neck aches, it seems to be going further up my neck almost into my skull. When I move my head sharply it feels like a sharp pain going right up my head. I called my chiro to ask what they thought it could be and they said a pinched nerve, and I hope he is right.

The strange thing is that I went to my chiro just last week and had a decent session, but I didn't feel like I was adjusted fully since, when I went home, my shoulder hurt as much as it did before I left. He was focusing mostly on my gallbladder and though that's fine and good, I wish he massaged my shoulder more. Anyway, I need to go to another chiro that's closer so I don't have to drive 30 minutes all the time to get realigned. As an aside, BCBS of PA is now limiting my chiro visits to only 8 a year down from 12 and anything over 8 they need to receive an explanation from my doctor that tells them why I need to continue getting adjusted and if they don't feel it's necessary, then I have to pay $40 per visit. It's outrageous what's happening to health care. They're trying so hard to cut back spending and yet they're going after one of the few areas of modern medicine that's helping restore people's health and not merely giving people bandaids or drugs to help them think they're better. Absolute insanity. Don't get me wrong, I believe medicine has its place, but I think more people would be better served to have their bodies detoxified and be given things (i.e. supplements) and foods that would naturally restore their health. 

Anyhow, one thing I've noticed is that I always have a tough time keeping my adjustment. When I was seeing the NUCCA doc, I would constantly lose my adjustment , and I mean a day or two from being seen. which I couldn't understand since I wan't doing anything strenuous. When I'd ask him why it was happening, he just said it was my body and there was no way of knowing for sure. Great.  All I can say is that right now I am in a lot more pain in my back and neck than I've been in over a year and don't know why. Is it Lyme related or simply due to being out of alignment? Big question mark right now and I wish I had more answers since arthritic pain in the neck and shoulders is a huge red flag for people who have early stages of Lyme. 

And this brings me back to what I said earlier. Do I or don't I continue breastfeeding? I've read horrible testimonies about mom's who've done this and have felt terrible all their lives because of it. I do not want to be one of those people. I did talk to my kids pediatrician and asked him to have my kids tested and thank God they all came back negative, however, is that reliable or not? How does anyone know for sure if they have it? AHH!

The blood tests are so hard to trust and that makes the whole situation so hard to judge! With my having a positive on the ELISA, I read that it is possible to get a false positive if:

The antibodies to the infectious organism triggering the antibodies are not the Lyme spirochetes. Other organisms that can trigger such antibodies include syphilis and relapsing fever. Dental infections may trigger a false positive response.

The patient may have been infected with Lyme disease previously and harbor antibodies to the disease."                                                                                                                  Taken from here

So what I don't understand is if I've had Lyme before how can I not have it now since I was never treated for it? And if I don't have Lyme, then I might have one of the other mentioned issues which I'm pretty sure I don't have so does that mean since I don't have any of those issues that I do have Lyme? Who knows!?

I got the script for a ton of blood work from the one traditional doc in Hermitage that I was going to go to, (changed it since the earliest I could see him was in December so I switched it to this other Indian doc aforementioned) and had all the testing done. Those results were looked at today by another local homeopathic doc who said that I do not have Lyme since my West. Blot was negative. However it came to my attention that this Hermitage doctor doesn't test for Lyme using the ELISA so, again, I don't know what to think. The girl on the phone told me that my thyroid was low and should have that treated. That I'll likely go to a new PCP for. I'm ditching the last lady.  

Oh and before I forget, I want to take a moment to promote a documentary I recently discovered that exposes the controversy surrounding Lyme disease. It is very eye opening and I encourage everyone to watch it. You can find it on Netflix watch it now. The trailer is below.

 Well, I am getting sleepy so I need to sign off. I hope to have some answers to all of this soon. It will be good to finally be seen come the end of the month. I just want to someone to give me an explanation for all these maddening health mysterious. It's enough to drive one to drink, which I would if only I knew it wouldn't cause me to get worse ;) Tata for now. Ciao!

The Last Two Days

How am I feeling? Like I am near death. Honestly, it has been so freaky what's going on that I am getting nervous. My body feels like it's got a virus permeating throughout it, going into my bones and muscles down my neck, shoulders and back and is not able to get out. Last night I was up so much, one because my baby was awake a lot, and two, because I felt as though I had a fever, but I didn't. I just had that unsettled feeling you get when you have a fever and you are restless and want to move, but don't because you're so incredibly exhausted to begin with. Not knowing what to do, I got up, went into my kitchen and took a garlic pill and some ginger supplements after being inspired to do so. You see, last year I took this drawing class and the instructor was a cancer surviver and talked all about her health issues during our class, annoying to no end, but nevertheless somewhat beneficial to me. Anyway, she told us that the one food that is great for combatting cancer and a number of other diseases is garlic. When that thought crossed my mind as I lay there dwelling on what in the heck is happening to me, I remembered that I had some and figured why not. Take it and see what happens. It's nice having a little bit of every natural herb and supplement on the market. It's like having my own personal homeopathic pharmacy at my fingertips. Whenever something comes up like this, I can go into my cupboard and get what I need. Speaking of which, I need to get a Vitacost order in soon. They have the best prices on great organic natural stuff. Highly recommend them. OK back to my point.
So I had a really horrible night and could hardly pray I was so distracted by the feelings that have been coming over me. The nausea and vomiting stopped thank God, but no explanation as to why I got it in the first place. Just a passing thing I guess.
Yesterday I went to my chiro and he adjusted me which I needed tremendously, but he also recommended I start an RNA supplement along with aloe vera juice and something else from Standard Process to help with my gallbladder since it's been aggravated ever time I've visited him and he thought this one thing would help calm it down. I can't remember the name off hand since I didn't buy it there given he was out of stock. Doesn't matter though since I'm not taking it. What I am taking right now is Catalyn, Cataplex B, Omega 3, Calcium Magnesium, Vit D, sometimes a teaspoon of coconut oil and then the aloe gel. I offer up the pain it takes to swallow down some of this stuff since it is nasty! The texture is gag worthy. Ugh! How I pray that all of this suffering is doing some good in the spiritual world. That is the one way that I am surviving not losing my mind completely right now.  For whatever reason, God is willing I go through this and I have to accept it, while trying to correct it, but also endure it with as much peace as I can. Not easy when you have three babes to care for who rely on you for everything. I have no time to rest save on the weekend when my husband is home, and even then he needs a break too. My house is going to pot, which I hate, but have no choice right now. There is only so much I can do and something has to take the hit so that's what I've chosen. My laundry is always behind and my ironing has been sitting around for weeks now. How I pray I will feel healthy again so I can get back to what I need to be doing, i.e. being a wife and mommy again.
I forgot to mention that I also when to my GP yesterday since I wanted to see what she'd say about all the things I've been going through and, lo and behold, she lived up my low expectations and told me just what I knew she would say, making me feel like a complete idiot. Oh, yes, all of my problems can be pointed to the fact that I have three children close together. Of course, my body is going to be tired and of course things are out of whack, that's to be expected. So no, everything else that I've experienced is just my oversensitive, hypochondriatic self taking things much to seriously. The blank stare she gave me when I told her what's going on and her telling me that's it's "normal" made me want to scream. I have determined that traditional docs are absolutely useless, i.e. unless you fit within the medical box that they think you should fit so nicely into. It's all such crap. The medical profession has fallen so far from what they are meant to be. They seem to care so little for people anymore. Everything is just a "what's your problem? here's a drug, now take it and shut up" attitude.
Today things went a little better. We went over to my husband's sister's home to attend mass offered by his priest brother in honor of the feast of St. Michael. It was a sacrifice to go since there was much to do around the house but I didn't care, we needed to get out and be with others. My neck is still very stiff and it hurts to move it a certain way and, again, I have no idea why. The muscles in my back near my sides feels like it's inflamed, or like I've pulled it from doing strenuous exercise despite the fact that I haven't exercised at all since last Monday. This body of mine, I'll tell ya.
Well, on the positive side, I had a lovely day snuggling with my kids, esp my little boy who is such a mommy's boy and a veritable cute pie. Nothing beats his hugs and kisses. Laying in bed with all my kids is something I could do all the time. Such happy times. Thank you Jesus for these better moments in my life, how I treasure them, now more than ever. Bless us Lord, and keep us under the shadow of Thy wing. 
Planning on seeing a 79 year old Indian doctor who lives quite a distance to help treat these symptoms.He's said to be good at helping treat Lyme.  His name S. Chandra Swami. Here's hoping he can give me some relief. 
Good night y'all.

Recent Symptoms

This is going to be a quickie since I need to get these down before I forget them and I have a lot going on right now.

In the last three days this is what I've been experiencing:
1. Irregular mensis. 38 days and not typical bf.
2. Low body temp. High at end of day 96.9 degrees
3. Extreme fatigue
4. Body aches all over neck, shoulders and back- come and go one day to the next for no given reason
5. Brain fog
6. Tingly hands and feet
7. Sudden nausea and vomiting last night
8. Abdominal pains
Body weigh in this morning 38.7- lowest it's been so far.

Going to see my chiro this morning to have myself adjusted to help boost my immune system. Am feeling scared and worried that I might have multiple things going on here. Am also suspicious that I do have Lyme and am terrified that I have given it to at least one of my kids- the baby. Feeling so much like Beatrice Rappucchini like never before. My heart is so sick with concern and am seeking help through various routes, traditional and alternative medicine doctors. More to come.

More on Lyme and Reflctions on Death

I spoke to my rhuemy on Monday and he said that I do not have Lyme disease since all the western blot tests were negative so I can only assume that he is right and that I indeed don't have Lyme. There are a number of blogs out there that talk about the possibility of one having Lyme despite the tests coming back negative (aka false negative tests) but I don't know if I should spend my time delving into that world of doubting what the blood tests reveal since there is not one doctor near me that I can find who will do more for me than what this current doctor already has. So bottom line, I think it's time I looked somewhere else for answers. Well, I should mention that this guy diagnosed me as having fibromyalgia so in a way I do have a place to go for more information, sort of. The problem is is that fm can have a myriad of symptoms that are different for each person and, in my opinion, is something that they diagnose you as having when they don't know what to tell you anymore when all your blood tests come back normal and yet you still feel like crud. 

I'm still deliberating over whether or not I should see this alternative medicine doctor who can test me for food sensitivities and all that, but again I have to fork over $300 and I cringe at the thought of that when I could use that money for so many other things like my home, husband and children. I'm the kind of person who likes to keep as much money in savings as possible and hates to spend more than something is really worth and I just wonder if this man is really worth what he's charging. There is only one other person I know who has seen him and spoke highly of him and would love to get a second opinion somewhere, but can't seem to find one so for now I continue to hold off until I say "enough!" and have nowhere else to turn. 

More recently my health has been alright. The only issues that I can speak of are still the tingly hands and feet and headaches that come on strong when I eat something I know I shouldn't, or when I go from standing to sitting or vise versa. The latter would mean I had blood pressure issues, but maybe not. 

Anyway enough of all that. I want to take a few moments to talk about something really close to my heart, my mom. See like I said in my last post, my mother was recently diagnosed with a malignant form of bone cancer called Myelofibrosis. I researched it a bit and it doesn't sound good at all. The symptoms are not good and it can lead to her having to undergo chemo. But the worst part of all of this, is that I am 5 hours away from her and there is no one really close to her in my family who can be there for her and support her during this time. My parents are divorced so my dad wouldn't go down to help her most likely, though if she was in an emergency situation he likely would, but still, she needs someone during the day to day struggles and battles that go on in your mind about what's going to happen and what you're going to do with you life with cancer, and how much longer you have to live. See, though I don't have cancer, those same kind of thoughts are what went through my mind a year and a half ago and I know how scary it is to be thinking these things. It breaks my heart to think of her suffering and worse yet, there is very little I can do to help her save praying for her. So for those of you out there who believe in prayer, please say a prayer for her. Her name is Margaret. 

This past week I had my mother here with me and we had a very nice time together, one of the best in a while actually. We just hung out and took care of my kids, went out to a local flower garden, watched a horrible movie called "Super 8", and opened  up our hearts to each other about different things. She is someone I have always turned to when I have been down; even when I didn't want to talk to her about something bothering me, she could always sense that I was hiding something and would pry's at me to get me to get it "all out" so I could feel better. I hope that when my kids are older I will be able to read them as well as she reads me. It's amazing how she does it! So yes, she and I had a great visit and it was so sad to see her go. She didn't want to go, but she was tired and I knew she needed to sleep in her own bed again- my hide-abed is nice, but not so good on the back after a couple days.  

I was a little emotional this week thinking about her and thinking about what life will be like not having her here one day. She and I have not always seen eye to eye and have rubbed each other wrong many times in the past, but still, I love her and don't know where I'd be without her.  My heart aches just thinking of us not being able to go back to Jersey to see her and her dog, Millie, and walk to the river or watch Turner Classic movies with her, or Fox news or her silly Westerns. We just take so much of what we have for granted and I pray to God, that for however much time we have left with her, that all of it is spent doing and saying all that we want or need to so that when that day comes when we have to say goodbye, we will do so knowing that she knows she is loved and that she can be at peace with us and with God. 

Death is such a scary thing if you don't see it with spiritual eyes and that's what I'm trying to do to help myself and my mom get through this time. We have to believe that God knows the day and the hour we are to return to Him. We have to believe that if we love Him and serve Him in this life that He will take care of us in the next. We have to believe that there is more to everything we are suffering than simply humoring a malicious god. No, that was not the Father Jesus spoke to us about. God is Charity and He will protect His own. It's just so hard to leave those we love behind to finally be with the God who made us. Because though we have faith and love for Him, we are afraid of Him and worry if He will be happy with us when we are judged. All we can do is trust and do the best we can to follow His teachings. The rest is up to Him and so I say, "Into your hands O Lord, I commend my (and those whom I love) spirit." Please God may we all be united in heaven together some day.